I always feel like there is something preventing me from having what I want. Mostly it's myself that's in the way. Sometimes I wish I'd disappear for awhile and then come back just like I want. Happy, in shape, and beautiful to me. Sometimes I just want this internal pain or struggle, whatever you want to call it, to just stop. Stop because it's swallowing me whole. Making me see myself differently from everyone else.

I wish for once that everyone could see themselves in a way that's not distorted. Maybe then we'll all be happy with ourselves, if just for that moment. We could just stop picking at our bodies, stop trying to figure out what to do with it next. The media destroys us from the inside out. Plastic surgery is the devil.

I only want to change what I can without sharp scalpels or whatever. I don't want to change my face, or even my breasts. I want to be how I feel on the inside. I want to be able to show everyone that THIS, this body is what Caitlin looks like on the inside too. She's just as beautiful as the rest of you. She deserves your love and acceptance too.

But all most people do is make me cry. Maybe I am overdramatic. But I always have been. But sometimes when I cry, I feel the most beautiful. Maybe that's why I do it so much. I feel like I deserve all this unhappiness. Maybe I don't even notice that it may be possibly making me stronger. Making it so I can deal when I'm not with my family anymore.

I feel as though I won't be able to stop this from happening. Whatever it is that's happening. Maybe I should just let everything run it's course. The depression. Everything else that's going on. I'm on my way to happy though. HE makes me happy. And the only time I get sad with him, it's my fault. Because I take something the wrong way.

Recently I read Thirteen Reasons Why. This book described it perfectly. I get upset over the littlest things. And I can't even help it. I try and tell myself, "Caitlin you're being unreasonable. They didn't mean it that way." And maybe it's the way I'm made. Mentally that is. I say things I don't mean. I do things that most people wouldn't do.

Flirting with people is something I do. I actually do have control over it. But I do it. Because it's my way of joking around. And now I've offended people. And I feel worse than before it all. Flirting was a problem with only one of my boyfriends. And that boyfriend was a control freak who abused me mentally for a year and five months. My boyfriend now? He gets it. He understands it means NOTHING and most of my friends do too. But the one person that had a problem with it. They had to bring my boyfriend and someone else into the issue. You NEVER say to your friend that if your boyfriend was at school with me would he still be with me?

Of COURSE he would. Because he understands me and you DON'T. Do not bring people into an issue that are not directly involved in an issue that you are addressing. It's rude and inconsiderate of my feelings. Because you do not KNOW how it is with those people because you are not me and you are not those people. Do NOT assume stuff like that my boyfriend would leave me right this instance if he knew I flirted with people. Don't you realize that I "flirt" with girls too? That doesn't mean I'm dating them or that I'm hurting my boyfriend. It is messing around and joking with your friends.

Saying that it's different when it's a guy is sexist. Utterly and totally sexist. I happen to have more guy friends than girls because of the stupid DRAMA that girls cause. It's like "Oh no you said my boyfriend's weird now I'm mad at you." "oh you don't like my boyfriend and say he annoys you and now you're a bitch and I hate you" Just shut the fuck up and get OVER it. It does NOT matter if I think your boyfriend's weird. I happen to think it's a good thing. Also just because I don't like your boyfriend doesn't mean I have anything against you. If you decide to bring up stuff about your boyfriend and how I can't think he's annoying if he never talks to me, then yes I'm going to be like you don't know obviously. Because you can not like someone based on how they interact with people. And you could have a bad day and blow up at someone and suddenly they have a grudge.

God high school is so stupid. It's supposed to be the "best time in you life" but you know it's the worst. I'm almost 17 and I'm ready to be 20fucking5. I'm ready to graduate so I can get the hell out of Commerce before I KILL myself to get away because there is NO other way. I'm done trying to interact with the majority of those people. The people that I like know who they are. The people that I don't? Well you'll find out.

Somedays I wake up and
watch the rain.
And it falls. And so do I.
Sundays, I fall with the rain.
My phone never rings &
I don't call anyone,
because I'm falling.
All the water will cease,
And I will pull myself off of the ground.
And I will think about how lovely it is,
to spend a Sunday falling with the rain.

But then, Mondays always come
when suddenly rent is due,
And all the other bills are in paper castles
on the kitchen table because they're so much more
beautiful that way.

And nothing much happens on Tuesdays,
but sometimes I hear knocks at the door.
But I never answer because I know it's just some people,
from some church, with some papers telling how to live the right way.
But I'm already in hell so I tell them don't bother and they usually don't push it.

Then Wednesday comes.
And I usually wake up somewhere near the kitchen sink
with a bottle of bleach because I feel asleep,
leafing through jesus packets that were pushed under my door,
weighing out the pros and cons of life.
So far I have more cons, but I know it can't last long.
So I wait.

And I wait for Thursday, but it never comes.
So I sit on the kitchen floor until Friday, trying to decide if I am in love.
And Fridays are spend writing love notes for someone who I'm not sure I love,
but I write anyway.

And suddenly it's Saturday,
so I write the love letters on my sidewalks
incase anyone walks by, but I know they won't.

And tomorrow will be Sunday and I will lay on the wet,
chalky sidewalks and I will fall.
And no one will ever read my writing,
'cause it'll all be washed away.
And the week will start over and over and over and over;
until the pros outweigh the cons.

Maddie Nodine:

Of course she walked through the door
and saw me waiting there.
I had broken the window just because
I wanted to see her smile.
My lies always end up next to me.
And my love always ends up walking out on me.
A funny story,
but it's always the same.
Everybody always has to go away.
And no one cares
where they went
or why they left
unless they left you
calling their name
in the hallway
halfdressed.
So, I'll swallow all my pain,
in the drugs and the fame.
So I'll call out your name
when everything takes me away.
And you'll always remember the day
when your body was covered in paint,
just because you met me.
And you'll always remember the next morning
when you had to leave
and I cried please don't go.


Shelbie:

I feel like I need some alone time,
just me and the trees.
I need to get away from the noise
and the beats.
Silence and serenity
Fear and foes.
Sometimes you just havve to let it all go.
Dance in the sand
and believe in the sun.
Have I alawys been this young?
Trickle through the leaves
like a lovely breeze.
Have I always been this free?
Succumb youself to beatuty
far greater than your own.
Trash the place you call your home
'Cause we're all dying for a change
A chance to dance in the rain.
A chance to say
thing wills never be the same.
WHAT IS SHE DOING?
THEY ALL WANT TO KNOW,
BUT THEY NEVER ASK.

FUCK YOUR RULES.

FUCK YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

FUCK YOUR LAWS.

I finally went to a doctor about my depression yesterday and it was the best thing i have done in a long time. For once i actually felt happy, after i got done with my appointment i felt as if i was walking on a cloud. My mind was clear, my thoughts where happy, but that all changed once my father and i started talking about work. Just because i want to take one day off from work to go see a band in atlanta on saturday, and yes i know it is my only day to work this week but every weekend I WORK, and when i am not working at my job i am working t get ready for my firefighter training. So honestly, Mister Robert O'Neal Teskey you can go FUCK OFF!!!

I would like to say my life is great, i would like to say i am fine, but all i can say is i need help. Night after night i lie in a zombie like state trying to get to sleep but i can never get to sleep. most of the nights i just wait until my body can't stay awake any longer and once this happens i just sleep and sleep. this leads towards another problem because my body says it needs sleep my parents yell at me because i sleep too much. i can't help it ok.. it is all because of the ever magical word STRESS.